Day 5: Why Your Girlfriend Won’t Blow You

Choose a common or menial task with which you are familiar .

The Girl Friend

The Girl Friend (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Try to describe it to your reader in a fun/ interesting way, or possibly shed new light on something mundane.

Rohlin, Richard (2013-02-25). 30 Days of Writing Prompts (Kindle Locations 335-336). Excelsior Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Ok, I decided to go way outside the box on this one, and give my fellow man some advice on why a woman may not want to kneel before his altar.

There seems to be a crazy obsession among guys about getting blow jobs. And sometimes, guys get frustrated because their girlfriends, fuck buddies, or whatever either have to be convinced to blow them, or they won’t do it at all. So leave it to your lovely Perverted Sage and friendly neighborhood digital vagabond to clear it up for you. The Internet in general seems to be fond of writing articles that consist of lists, so here you go!

1) You taste nasty.
Let me explain. What you eat has an effect on how your man chowder tastes. So if she’s given you a blow job before but won’t now, this could be why. For God sakes people, use Google and be intelligent enough to know what information is real and what isn’t. But for those Google challenged folks out there, try eating more fruit, the sugars and citric acids affect the way you taste. Who knows, she might like you better in general if you taste better. As a side note, stay away from overindulging in cruciferous vegetables. They make you fart and taste funny.

2) Lack of cleanliness.
This should go without saying, but proper hygiene will do wonders for your sex life. Your partner will want to have sex with you more, because you smell good and taste good. So clean yourselves for Fuck’s sake!

3) Man-Scaping.
You know how there’s been a trend lately to want a smoother playing field on a woman? Well just like you don’t like to eat grass, it’s likely that she doesn’t either. Even women who do like a little bit of hair down there, would prefer that their man does a little bit of trimming. So indulge the woman, and either shave or trim. Trust me, you will thank me later.

4) The Principle of Reciprocity
Those are some pretty big words aren’t they? Basically, you have to give it to get it. Trust me, it’s been my experience that if you can give good oral, she’ll let you do whatever you want. So if you’re not willing to give it, don’t expect it in return. You have absolutely no right to make demands on that sort of thing. Sex is about mutual pleasure, not self-aggrandizing superiority and selfishness.

5) You suck at giving oral.
This is pretty much self-explanatory. If you really don’t know what you’re doing, there are books out there. But I have a better solution, and it’s much, much cheaper. You know when you’re sitting there wishing that your significant other were more like a porn star, all the while watching porn. Pay attention! You might learn a few things. You expect her to, so why don’t you?

Well guys and girls, that’s the end of today’s lesson. I hope you enjoyed yourselves… And if not, I hope you soon will :-)

 

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